Political confusion

The following, which I received in an email from a friend, is funny because it's so damned true.

If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're exotic and different.
However... If you grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, you're a quintessential American story.

If your name is Barack, you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
However... If you name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're an admired maverick.


If you graduate from Harvard Law School and are president of the Harvard Law Review, you are unstable.
However... If you attend five different small colleges before finally graduating, you're well grounded.

If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising two beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.
However... If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, then left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a real Christian.

If you teach responsible, age-appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.
However... If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence-only sex education with no other option in your state's school system, while your unwed teenage daughter ends up pregnant, you're very responsible.


If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her urban community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent real America.
However... If your husband is nicknamed "First Dude", works for big oil, has at least one DUI conviction, no college education, didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from America, your family is extremely admirable.

If you spend three years as a community organizer, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend eight years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the State Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend four years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.
However... If your total resume is local weather girl, four years on the city council, six years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people and 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.

Attention all dogs and cats

The following should be posted very low on the refrigerator door... preferably at nose height:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that the least bit aesthetically pleasing.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Believe it or not, dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years... canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (You can't spell "furniture" without "fur".)
3. I like my pets a lot more than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

I laughed so hard I farted a little

This Bud Light commercial was originally developed for SuperBowl XLII, but according to Digg.com it was deemed "too controversial for TV". Thank God for YouTube, so we can see what the ridiculously-conservative FCC doesn't think we should see.

Wishing you a very jurisprudent holiday

I saw this quoted in a "PC World" article by Steve Bass and thought it was pretty funny. According to the article, the woman who submitted it works in a San Diego law firm.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the recipient of said wish.

By accepting these greetings, you are accepting the aforementioned terms as stated. This greeting is not subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself/himself/others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.